Acceptance

How does one get in touch with reality? What is reality anyway?

Yesterday a friend shared a video on her page, which stated that reality is personal, in the sense that it is my reality and not the reality. Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras (the 5000 year old Indian scriptures which describe yoga) state that the way we perceive the world is dictated entirely by our mind and its tendencies and aberrations. We base our decisions on what we like or dislike. We mix up what we like with what is good for us. We seldom look at the process of how we came up with a decision regarding a situation, a person or even an object.

It has been very tough for me to accept my reality the way it is. It took time and practice. It also took patience. The practices of Yoga are very simple and at the same time, they are very difficult. They are difficult because they demand patience, attention and consistency from us. A simple practice of observing 12 breaths four times a day took me weeks to bring to regularity. It required me to sit down, not think about the tasks I needed to complete that day, to bring myself to a space where all I did was observe the breath coming in and going out naturally. In the initial days of the practice, I had a desire to control the process; eventually, I was able to let go of that desire.  I see myself (and others like me) struggle to accept the truth of - “This is how things are, this is how people are, this is how life is”.

It is a paradox of life that nothing can change unless we accept the current reality. Acceptance therefore is the first step in the reality project. Acceptance of who I am in this moment, what I like and dislike, how I think and feel, what my body is sensing. That itself is a difficult journey because of our ideals about how life should be. Even as I am writing this, I know that it’s not a destination. It’s a journey. 

Recently, I have been having interesting conversations with women leaders. These conversations are surfacing for the many paradoxes (related to acceptance and reality) that we live with. One of these women leaders shared that when she visits someone’s place, she wants to feel accepted. “Sometimes I come away feeling I was not welcome the way I am. Then I begin to wonder if I am the one judging them and not accepting them. This leaves me feeling lost, confused and even sad”. 

A few days ago, I heard a presentation by a fellow participant in narrative practices about belonging vs. fitting in. “I want to belong and for that I make compromises and adjustments. This is the process of fitting in. But this is a paradox. The paradox is that when I adjust, I am not accepted as I am. So fitting in does not give me a feeling of belonging. How do I maintain my dignity and self-respect and also belong?”

Then there is another paradox around acceptance. When I accept something as it is, do I have to tolerate what it does to me? For instance, I accepted a gift from a friend. I love the friend but do not find the gift acceptable. What do I do? I understand trauma, I am sensitive to and empathetic towards others but some of their behaviours impact me, what do I do? I see many people - especially women - who grapple with this paradox. Women are expected to be welcoming, good at keeping the family together, more tolerant, and empathetic. These expectations sometimes are overstated, they give rise to self-doubt. Women grapple with this judgment, both by others and themselves.

These conversations have helped me understand the idea of acceptance better. Being trauma-informed means that I understand the impact of trauma on the person’s sense of safety, and also my own sense of safety. As I understand the patterns that a person is demonstrating, the understanding allows me to draw my boundaries and support the person as they build their own capacity.  I believe that the more I am in touch with my own feelings, needs, values, and beliefs, the more accepting I am of myself. It allows me to take appropriate actions to hold my boundaries, maintain my self-respect and express myself while being sensitive to others. A tough act!

— by Dr. Sanjyot Pethe Wellness Lead at Parity Lab