Responsibility

What does responsibility mean?

Most of us want to be seen as responsible, and we like others to be responsible towards us but I notice that we rarely discuss or even define what this idea of responsibility might be all about.What does it mean in a given context, or is it beyond context? What is my responsibility, and what is not my responsibility? Who decided that it is my responsibility? I have realised that this absence - of understanding, of definitions - leads to a lot of ill effects: abuse, ill health, anxiety, depression and more.

I believe that instead of saying “I am responsible”, it might be better to say “I am responsible for”. It makes a lot of difference when we become specific. Further, even when I say “I am responsible for” something, I have learned to ask myself if that is really true, and what might it mean if it were true. For example, it was believed for generations that cooking for the family is a woman’s responsibility. It is only now that we have started to question if that is even true. Who benefits from this idea of responsibility? Even if we assume that feeding a family was the woman’s responsibility, who decided it meant making 6-8 dishes twice a day?

In my work with both Rural and Global survivors of violence, and also in other spaces, the theme of “responsibility” as a value  comes up time and again. . 

One of my clients had an abusive father and a mother was not willing to end the relationship. The mother continued to stay with the father, expressing her sadness with the situation, but not taking charge of her life. My client would constantly think of ways to convince her mother to leave the abusive relationship. She found some semblance of freedom when she realised that her parents' relationship is not her responsibility. 

A fellow from one of our cohorts mentioned that she finds it difficult to say no when someone asks for help. We helped her explore her patterns - her views of the situation, her own needs that were getting fulfilled, and whether or not her actions were empowering the people she was helping. She came to see that though “helping” was a key part of her profession, there were boundaries and the people she was serving were adults with power and agency and therefore, the responsibility had to be shared. 

There are many such categories of responsibility where clarification is necessary. As parents, colleagues, children, citizens, friends, relatives, partners, responsibilities can emerge with reference to habits, behaviours, emotions. We take on responsibility for how people feel, their personal situations and the decisions they are making without recognizing the difference between what is in our control and what is not. It is only too easy to lose the power to differentiate between the areas where we need to spend our time, effort and energy and the areas where we simply need to accept things as they are. 

We are responsible for our own emotions, behaviours, decisions, and the ways we choose to live our lives. Trauma or major life events can sometimes impact our agency and during such times, we need help. Here too, it is important to see where we need help and why, and what is the responsibility we are taking. Can we negotiate? For example, I am responsible for completing a task but for some reason I am unable to do it. Can I learn to share that I am responsible but I need help? We are also responsible for recognizing and expressing our own needs. 

So next time when we feel burdened by our responsibilities, we must ask

1. Am I really responsible for this?

2. Am I the only one responsible?

3. Am I okay with this responsibility? Is it taking care of my needs and values?

4. What exactly is my responsibility and what is not?

5. How do I meet my needs while taking responsibility?

These questions can help setting boundaries, bringing ease and doing meaningful and effective work in the world.

Responsibility thus, brings with it many narratives that are dominant. Dominant narratives create a burden unless questioned or converted to narratives that we would like to live. Lets live responsibly from a place of choice. 

— by Dr. Sanjyot Pethe Wellness Lead at Parity Lab