Shame on You: Reclaiming Notions of Honor and Guilt from Patriarchy

 Gisèle Pelicot’s unshakable resolve in waiving anonymity in her rape trial and declaring, “The shame is theirs (rapists)” has shifted the public gaze squarely onto the accused. She has reclaimed the narrative of shame and made it clear that it is the abuser—not the abused—who should carry the weight of disgrace. 

Photo Credits: USA Today / Artist Credits - Villana Art

While shame has long been patriarchy’s favorite weapon to perpetrate cycles of exploitation and silence, another related insidious tool is guilt. Guilt can be constructed to trap survivors in self-doubt for a long time, misplacing responsibility about who or what is causing the violence. For those who experience abuse, the internalized guilt and shame can be profoundly confusing. Survivors often grapple with questions like, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Did I provoke this somehow?". 

This very topic became a focus of reflection during our most recent Parity Lab workshop, where we explored the role of natal families in internalizing guilt and shame, especially in gendered exploitation, and how to support survivors with a trauma-informed lens. While discussions about domestic violence can often centre on violence experienced in the site of marriage, many people experience intense discrimination and abuse in the households they were born and brought up in. Natal families—unintentionally or otherwise—become the earliest enforcers of patriarchal norms. They pass down ideas of shame and honor as tools to regulate behavior, particularly of women and girls, which make them much more vulnerable to remaining trapped in violence in different contexts. 

Parity Lab’s cohort of rural grassroots leaders from India engaged in an eye-opening exercise of reflective storytelling to unpack these dynamics. Each participant was asked to step into the shoes of various characters in a story about a teenage girl with disability. As participants voiced the thoughts and feelings of these characters, the common realisation that emerged was that everyone was operating under the constant pressure of shame. From fathers who restrict their daughters to young people afraid to express themselves, everyone is shaped by the fear of what others might say or do.

This led to a powerful takeaway: boundaries are essential—specifically, the ones that define responsibility. It's crucial to recognize where our responsibility ends and where others' actions begin. As one cohort member put it, “We cannot control what others say, but we can control how much we give in to societal pressure instead of reflecting on what we truly want for our children.” Another participant shared, “The girl may long for love from her parents, but she cannot control their behavior. It is not her responsibility to make them love her, but it is her responsibility to protect herself and make choices that lead to a life of safety and dignity.”

These discussions revealed, among other things, how too often, we are taught to "earn" love from those who should be our safe space, creating competition for affection within families and cruelly sanctioning our freedom. This mindset not only fosters unhealthy dynamics between siblings and relatives but also creates the false belief that we can change how those who are supposed to love and protect us behave, which perpetuates cycles of abuse and self-blame.

Gisèle Pelicot’s bold defiance in a French courtroom and the grassroots leaders in Parity Lab’s cohort in rural India may seem worlds apart, but their struggles expose the same truth: patriarchy thrives on shame and misplaced guilt to control and silence. Pelicot’s courage in redirecting public scrutiny onto her abusers mirrors the resolve of grassroots leaders working to dismantle the damaging norms of shame and honor within their families and communities. These shared battles remind us that while the contexts may differ, the patriarchal tools of coercion are universal. It is only through cross-context dialogues and shared reflections that we can begin to dismantle these insidious forces. At Parity Lab, we continue to explore how we can uproot these toxic narratives and empower individuals to lead lives free of undue guilt and shame. By cultivating awareness and practicing exercises like reflective storytelling, we hope to inspire a shift—not just in how individuals perceive themselves, but in how society defines responsibility, honor, and justice.

by Smriti Singh, Associate Program Manager at Parity Lab